The Tommy Awards

"The whole world is a circus if you look at it the right way. Everytime you pick up a handful of dust and see not the dust, but a mystery; a marvel there in your hand. Everytime you stop and think 'I'm alive! And being alive is fantastic'! Everytime such a thing happens, you are in the circus of Dr. Lao".

-Tony Randall, Seven Faces of Dr. Lao

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Announcer: "Live from the Temple Theater in beautiful downtown Tacoma, it's the 47th annual Tommy Awards. And now, here's your host and humble narrator...Tom George"!

(audience applauds as Tom walks out from behind the curtains)

Tom: "Thank you everyone. Thanks for coming here tonight. As you might have been able to gather by now, these are my awards for the best of this hockey and football season. And what a season it's been. I can safely say that, without any doubt, this has been the best season out of the 10 years that I've been doing all of this. Of course, I can't have that much fun on my own. The thing that makes all of this so worth-while is all of you...my friends. So I decided to make this as much of a fun tribute to you while still handing out the awards for the best and worst of this season.

Now, there is only one nominee in each catergory. Which, of course is the winner. Except for the biggest prize of the year...the "Roadtrip of the Year". As time goes along here, I'll announce each of the 5 nominees along with a small scene from each one. This year's roadies were all excellent. So excellent that, in just about any other year, any of the five probably would have won. So, of course, the decision as to which one won came that much harder. Although I will say that it was easy to come to the conclusion that all five (and just about every other roadie I've ever taken) pretty much blew the lid off the stress-filled headache of a trip that was last years summer roadie".

(audience laughs and applauds as everyone knows the nightmare story that was that trip)

Tom: "Okay. So let's get this thing rolling. I sit next to the first two presenters at Qwest Field for the Seahawks games. So let's all give a big round of applause to Portland's own Dan and Jon".

(Audience applauses as Dan and Jon walk onto the stage)

Jon: "Man...what a season it was for the Seahawks. They went 13-3 during the regular season. Undefeated at home. And they FINALLY made it to the Super Bowl".

Dan: "That's right, Jon. And who can forget the best moment from the season"?

Jon: "Yeah...you mean when A.J. Feely missed all those field goals for the Giants and the Hawks won in overtime"?

Dan: "Nope. Not that"

Jon: "Oh, well then obviously it was when Drew Bledsoe threw that last minute interception to Jordan Babineaux which set up Josh Brown's winning field goal as time ran out against the Cowboys".

Dan: "Nuh-uh. Not that either".

Jon: "Then what in the world are you talking about"?

Dan: "The best thing to happen at Qwest this season was watching a drunk Mrs. Claus give lap dances to spectators down below us. I mean, how can life get any better than that"?

(audience laughs)

Jon: "Okay. That was a pretty good thing to happen. But we're here to hand out an award which also comes with a bit of a tribute".

Jackass of the Year

Dan: "That's right, Jon. This year, the biggest jackass of them all is Texas A&M Athletic Director, Bill Byrne. I mean, after 22 years, how come all this "12th Man" stuff suddenly became important to him right after the Seahawks won the NFC Championship"?

Jon: "Exactly. But the part that made him a jackass is how he ran from all the media who wanted to ask him about all of this. Instead, he left his poor spokesman hung out to dry as reporter after radio host grilled him down into admitting that, in the end, the Seahawks had the "intellectual rights" to it since A&M didn't trademark it until 1990....8 years after the Seahawks retired the #12 and that the whole thing was just a pathetic cash-grab".

Dan: "I'll quote the great Jim Rome here and pass this message along; "come back to us when you have an actual case and your program means something again".

Jon: "Okay. Let's bring out the winner of the 'Jackass of the Year". All the way from College Station, Texas, Bill Byrne".

(The crowd erupts into boo's. Except for Tom W, who gives Mr. Byrne a standing ovation)

Dan: "Here's your trophy"

(Dan hands Byrne his award)

Jon: "And, since you're here, we decided to give you an up-close view of a special treat. I would like to bring out a fellow Seahawk season ticket holder, Jenna".

(Jenna walks out from behind the curtain)

Dan: "It's gonna be Jenna's honor to raise OUR 12th man flag here for tonights ceremony. Go ahead, Jenna"!

(Jenna starts raising the flag as "Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verve plays over the PA)

Jon: "We also have another gift for you. I'd like to bring out Jennifer from the Thunderbirds games. Jennifer..."

(Jennifer comes out from behind the curtain, walks up to Mr. Byrne, and knees him in the balls. The crowd roars with approval except for Tom W....who boo's the scene. Jon, Dan and Jenna all drag Mr. Byrne off the stage)

Tom: "Thanks guys. And now here's a scene from our first nominee for "Roadtrip of the Year". This is a clip from the trip Kristi and I took to Red Deer, Calgary and Kelowna to start off the season back in September":

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Oh Canada

(Driving through the western edge of Calgary)

Tom: "Hey...check that out. It's the ski junps from the 1988 Olympics"

Kristi: "That's pretty awesome. You can even see the Olympic Rings on the side of them".

Tom: "I can see Eddie the Eagle sliding down there and taking flight even now. That is pretty cool".

Kristi: "Who's Eddie the Eagle"?

Tom: "He was this English guy who wasn't very good at ski jumping. But somehow he qualified for the Olympics and he became the biggest star that year".

Kristi: "Oh...I think I may have heard of him. What's that next to it"?

Tom: "That looks like the bobsled track. Man...that's the first time I've ever seen one of those".

Kristi: "Hey...the Jamaican bobsled team ran there. You know...like in Cool Runnings".

Tom: Yup...that's where that happened".

Kristi: "Oh god. How did that go"?

Tom: "How did what go"?

Kristi: "You know...that little song they sang in the movie".

Tom: "I can't remember".

Kristi: (after muttering to herself for a few seconds) "Feel the rythem/feel the rhyme/come on boys/it's bobsled time"! (she laughs at herself for remembering)

Tom: "Ah yes...now I remember. Here, take some pictures while we can".

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(The crowd applauses. The camera zooms into Kristi who flashes a big smile and two thumbs up)

Tom: "A few weeks ago, one of our next guests won the award for "Line of the Year". And the other one just finished up her short-lived career in the United States Army. Please welcome from Portland, Earlene and Kara"!

(audience applauses as Earlene and Kara walk out from behind the curtain)

Earlene: "Hello Kara".

Kara: "Hello Kurt's mom".

Earlene: "You know why we're here, don't you"?

Kara: "Yeah...cause Tom wants to torture us"

(audience laughs)

Earlene: "Well, that's probably part of it. But it's also so we can give out the award for "Game of the Year".

Kara: "I think we can do that".

Game of the Year

Earlene and Kara: "And the winne...."

Earlene: "Go ahead. You say it".

Kara: "Oh no...that's okay. You say it".

Earlene: "No...you do it".

Kara: "Why"?

Earlene: "Because I'm not competing with a puckbunny".

(audience chuckles...except for Tom W)

Tom W. (from the audience): "Dammit! That's my award! Give it back to me...NOW! Play something white! Good thing you're not a plumber"!

(Kara goes down to Tom's seat and whacks him in the leg with her crutch)

Kara: "Shut-up, Tom"

(Kara goes back up to the stage where she high-5's Earlene)

Kara: "The winner is......the New Years Eve game between the Portland Winter Hawks and the Seattle Thunderbirds".

(the audience applauses while former T-Birds goalie, Gavin McHale, accepts the award on behalf of both teams while the cut over his eye continues to bleed).

Tom: "Thank you, ladies. Now here's a scene from the 2nd nominee for "Roadtrip of the Year" from back in early October.

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St. Louis Trip

(Outside of the weekly farmer's market near downtown St. Louis)

Lindsay: "Well, now what do you want to do"?

Tom: "I wanna go back in the first part of it again".

Lindsay: "Why"?

Tom: "That one chick was staring at me".

Lindsay: "So? She probably just wanted you to buy something".

Tom: "No way...she wanted me".

Lindsay: "Yeah, right".

Tom: "There's only one way to find out. Come on.....let's go".

Lindsay: "Okay. But nothing is gonna happen"

(Linsday and Tom walk back into the building and make a bee-line back to the one stand where that chick was. They slow down as they approach the stand. But the chick is talking to someone else as they get there. They stand around the display for a minute or so. But the chick behind the stand doesn't seem to notice them. So they walk away).

Lindsay: "See. I told you she didn't 'want' you".

Tom: "Yeah. It was worth a shot, though. I do like that picture of Christina Aguilera over there, though. Too bad it's too big to take on the airplane with me or I might have bought it".

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(Audience applauses)

Tom: "Please welcome from Everett, Jerry and Elizabeth"

(Audience applauds as Jerry and Elizabeth walk out from behind the curtain)

Jerry: "We're here to hand out the.....what are you doing"?

Elizabeth: "I'm sending a text message".

Jerry: "Can't it wait? We're supposed to be handing out the award for "Best Moment of the Year".

Elizabeth: "No. Besides, this text messaging thing is too damned addiciting".

Jerry: "Who are you text messaging"?

Elizabeth: "Tom".

Jerry: "He's standing 15 feet away over there! Why don't you just go tell him whatever you have to say"?

Elizabeth: "Because...I wanna text message".

Jerry: "Fine. I'll just give this award while you text message".

Moment of the Year

Jerry: "Wait a minute. I don't have an envelope with the winner here".

Elizabeth: "Hmmm...that's odd. They were supposed to give it to us back stage".

Jerry: "Hold on while I go back to get it".

Elizabeth: "Oh...I just got a text message from Tom".

Jerry: "Tom...don't encourage her".

Elizabeth: "But he tells us what the winner is"

Jerry: "Okay...what wins"?

Elizabeth: "It's when Paul Allen raised the #12 flag at the NFC Championship game".

(Audience applauses...except for Tom W who boo's again).

Tom: "Thanks guys. That was truely an awesome moment. The way all 67,000 people roared as that happened. I'll never forget that moment, for sure.

Tom W (from the audience): "You're show sucks".

Tom: "Shut up, you bastard"

Tom W: "No".

Tom: "Kara...do you mind"?

(Kara gets up from out of her seat and whacks Tom W in the knee again).

Tom: "Thanks Kara. And now for a scene from the 3rd of the nominees for 'Roadtrip of the Year'. The trip Kurt and I took to Vancouver back in December".

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Is It That Obvious?

(Tom, Kurt and their mystery guest are standing around outside the Pacific Coliseum)

Mystery Guest: "Guess what"?

Tom and Kurt: "What"?

Mystery Guest: (comment deleted in the name of good taste. But the audience can hear it)

Tom: "Oh man...why did you tell us that"?

Mystery Guest: "Because it's awesome"!

Kurt: "No it's not. That's disgusting".

Tom: "No shit".

Mystery Guest: "Guess what else"?

Kurt: "I don't want to".

Mystery Guest: (Comment deleted in the name of good taste. But the audience can hear it).

Tom: "Well that's something we didn't have to know".

Kurt: "Yeah. I'll never look at him the same way again".

Mystery Guest: "All I know is that (comment deleted in the name of good taste. But the audience can hear it).

(Winter Hawks owner and GM, Ken Hodge, walks by Kurt, Tom and the mystery guest and shakes his head in disbelief).

Kurt: "Okay. I think it's time to go back inside".

Tom: "Yeah...the game is about to start again, anyway".

(They pass a security guard who looks at the three of us while laughing)

Tom (to the security guard): "I apologize for our friends crude behavior. Our American customs differ quite a bit from your Canadian ones, though".

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(The camera pans the crowd...everyone of which is now, at least, feeling queezy and unsettled. Except for our Mystery Guest)

Tom: "Okay folks...calm down. If Kurt and I could live through that, so can you. Actaully, now might be a good time to lift our spirits up a bit. Our next guests have traveled here all the way from St. Louis, Missouri. Let's give a warm welcome to Lindsay and Joe"!

(Audience give them a standing ovation as they walk out from behind the curtain)

Lindsay: "Wow! Thanks everyone for the warm welcome! It sure does add to all the things we've seen since we arrived here in Tacoma".

Joe: "No kidding. Since we've been here, we've seen a drug deal gone bad on McKinley Avenue, a backyard meth lab get busted on Portland Avenue, gang activity on Hilltop and hookers turning tricks on South Tacoma Way".

Lindsay: "Yeah. It's almost like we never left St. Louis".

(audience laughs)

Joe: "Okay...we're here to give out a special achievment award. It's the "Keith Tkachuk Award" for the biggest loser of the year".

Lindsay: "The winner of this award won it running away...almost literally. He stole one of his teammates wallets...which had a reported $600 in it, and took it to a local casino. Well, what he apparently didn't comprehend is that he was too young to gamble in a casino in Washington".

Joe: "So while lacking that knowledge, he was promptly taken into custody where the authorities found the stolen wallet still on him. He fessed up to his crime and was promptly kicked off his team via a vote from the rest of the players".

Lindsay: "Let's welcome this year's biggest loser....former Seattle Thunderbird, Roman Tomanek"

(The audience laughs AND boo's at the same time as Mr. Tomanek takes the stage)

Joe: "Now, you don't win a trophy. But we do have a couple prizes for you in the spirit of Keith Tkachuk".

Lindsay: "The first of which is a broken wooden chair that you can blame on 'poor Japanese craftsmanship".

Joe: "And the other is a baker's dozen of freshly baked Krispy Kreme donuts"!

Roman Tomanek: "Thank you...I think. I'm outta here".

(audience doesn't really know what to do. Nervous applause fills the void)

Tom: "And now for a scene from the 4th nominee for "Roadtrip of the Year". This is from February when Kristi, Jacque, Emily and I all went up to Vancouver".

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Seattle is Bad.....Want Some Popcorn?

(In the hotel room after hanging out at the Fogg & Sudds for a couple hours)

Emily: "Fuck you, Tom. You're not drunk enough"

Tom: "What do you mean? I'm plenty drunk"

Emily: "No you're not. You didn't have enough to drink".

Tom: "I had 6 beers tonight. I'm feeling it. I can just hold my alcohol better than you".

Emily: "Whatever".

(Tom wads up a small piece of paper, turns around and flings it at Emily. After it hits her, she gives a little scream and jumps into the air).

Emily: "What was that"?

Jacque (from the bathroom): "What happened out there"?

Tom (laughing): "I nailed Emily with a piece of paper".

Emily: "That scared the shit out of me".

Tom: "That was funny".

Emily: "Fuck you. You're still not drunk enough".

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(The camera pans past Jacque, who smiles and waves at the camera. Then Kristi, who smiles and gives a thumbs up. Then Emily, who flips the finger at the camera)

Tom: "Our next presenter has come up here from his digs in Gresham, Oregon. Please welcome, Kurt"!

(audience applauds as he walks out from behind the curtain)

Kurt: "First off, I'd like to publicly congratulate my mom for winning the "Line of the Year" award".

(audience applauds...except for Tom W)

Tom W: "Shut up, Kurt! That award shoulda been mine and you know it"!

Kurt: "Kara...do you mind"?

(Kara goes back over to Tom W and gives him another whack in the knee)

Kurt: "Thank you. I'm here to give out the award for "Best New Hangout". Let me tell you something...this place will become a tradition for alot of us before a Winter Hawks game".

Best New Hangout

Kurt: "And the winner is....."The Acropolis" in Milwaukie, Oregon"!

(audience applauds)

Kurt: "The owner of The Acropolis couldn't make it tonight. So, to accept this award are several employees of The Acropolis being escorted to the stage by Tom W, Dan, Jon, Jerry, Jerry, Jeff, Don, Kenny, Joe, Steve, Steve, Matt, Rick, Doug, Bill, old man Tom, our host and myself".

(the rest of the audience...the women in attendence...aren't applauding for some reason)

Tom: "Thanks everyone. I know I can't wait for our next visit to The Acropolis. And now we'll".....

Joe (interupting): "Hey Tom".

Tom: "Hey...it's Joe, everyone. What do you want? You've already done you're presentation for tonight".

Joe: "I know. But something has come up".

Tom: "And what would that be"?

Joe: "My wallet is missing".

(audience laughs...while checking for their wallets and purses)

Tom: "I think I know where you can find it".

Joe: "Where"?

Tom: "The Emerald Queen Casino is just off of I-5 over by the Tacoma Dome. I think you'll find the culprit there. But you better hurry up before he gets caught by the authorities".

Joe: "Thanks for the tip. I'm on my way over there right now".

(Joe leaves the stage...along with several other members of the audience following up on that hot tip)

Tom: "Alright. I apologize for that. Now it's time for a scene from the 5th and final nominee for "Roadtrip of the Year". This is from our trip to Salt Lake City and Boise back in late March.

We Be Representing Da' 253...Naw I Mean?

(Inside a McDonalds in Baker City, Oregon at around 9:30pm on a Thursday night)

Voice 1 in the kitchen area: "Stop screwing everything up. Customers are getting pissed off at us".

Voice 2 in the kitchen area: "Then stop sending me the wrong orders. I don't get paid to get chewed out for other people's fuck-ups".

Tom: "Wanna go somewhere else"?

Tom W: "Hell no...this is too entertaining to leave now"

(they both laugh)

Teenaged male who works there: "I'm going outside for a cigarette".

Manager: "You've already had your break for tonight"

Teenaged male: "I don't care. I need a smoke"

(teeneged male goes outside)

Manager: "Sorry about all of this. What can I get you boys"?

Tom: "I'll take a #3 with a Coke".

Tom W: "I'll have a chicken salad and a diet Coke".

(they pay for their meal and take their cups over to the soda machine. Tom puts his cup under the Hi-C dispenser and pushes it....only to be sprayed by water that's shooting out all over the place)

Tom: "What the hell is going on here"?

Tom W (laughing): "I have no idea. Doesn't suprise me, though.

Tom: "I got water all over my leather Seahawks jacket"

Tom W: "No real loss there".

Tom (to the manager): "Hey...I went to get some Hi-C and the stupid machine sprayed water all over the place and on me".

Manager: "Oh, that's right. I took the nipples off the machine. I gotta get it from the drive-thru dispenser".

Tom W: "Did you take a lighter to them"?

Manager: "Huh"?

Tom W: "Never mind"

(The teenaged male pokes his head in the door)

Teenaged employee: "I'm going across the street. There are these chicks who want me".

Manager: "But you're on the clock"!

(Teenaged male doesn't answer and just goes back outside)

Tom W: "We gotta eat here again".

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Tom: "And now, to present the final award of the evening, please give a warm welcome to Karin".

(Audience applauds as Karin walks through the curtain)

Karin: "I'm here to give out the award for 'Roadtrip of the Year'. But the one question I have right now is why don't I have any corny jokes or bits to perform like everyone else tonight"?

Tom: "Well, frankly, it's because I'm drawing a blank right now".

(audience laughs)

Karin: "I see. Well can I do something if I think of something"?

Tom: "Sure...go ahead".

(Karin rubs her chin and stares off into the distance while she thinks)

Karin: "Okay...how about this"?

(Karin whispers the idea in Tom's ear)

Tom: "Sure...be my guest".

Karin: "Kara, can you do your thing one more time"?

(Kara walks back over to Tom W and whacks him in the knee with her crutch again)

Tom W: "Hey...what was that for"?

Karin: "I dunno. I just felt like it, I guess".

(audience applauses)

Karin: "Okay. Now it's time for the biggest award of them all".

Roadtrip of the Year

Karin: "And the winner of the 2005-06 Roadtrip of the Year is.......









The early October trip to St. Louis"!!!





(audience applauds while Lindsay and Joe walk to the stage to accept their award)

Tom: "Like I said earlier in this story and all through the season, all five of these trips probably would have walked away with the award most years. All five of them were much better than solid. I could make several arguments for each one. The one thing I tried to find was that one knockout moment from any of them (like our visit to the Vancouver Hooters in 2003 when that infamous line was uttered. Or Kristi and I staggering around in a drunken stupor in that Kelowna McDonalds last year). But none of them really had anything like that. So I started looking for a weakness in all of them. Which, outside of how the first one in September ended, I really couldn't find any.

But I started thinking about it from a different angle. And I remembered a couple years ago when 'Lord of the Rings; Return of the King' won all of those Academy Awards...including Best Picture. Now, most people think the 2nd movie of the trilogy was the best of the three. But the popular belief is that 'King' won more as a tribute to the combination of the three movies rather than just on it's own.

And since St. Louis finished a strong 2nd each of the last two years to the previously mentioned winners, I figured that it was just their time. I've been there 4 times now (ahem....AHEM), and Lindsay and Joe have been nothing more than two of the best hosts anyone could ever ask for.

So congratulations, you two. You guys pulled it off this year"!

(audience applauds)

Tom: "Well, that just about does it for tonight. I'd like to thank everyone out there who has made this year so GREAT! Keep on reading through the end of this. I'll identify all the people who mattered to me at least a little bit.

But what would an awards show be without a grand finale? Not much of one, I say. So get these songs stuck in your head and try to imagine the spectacle. Thank you and good night, everybody"

(The house lights go dark while a couple of spotlights shine down on the stage)

Voice (singing): "Take this pink ribbon off my eyes"

(Kristi walks onto the stage dressed like Gwen Stefani circa 1995)

Kristi (singing): "I'm exposed and it's no big suprise/Don't you think I know exactly where I stand/This world is forcing me to hold your hand/'cause I'm just a girl/little 'ol me/Don't let me out of your sight/I'm just a girl/all pretty and petite/so don't let me have any rights/ooooooooh...I've had it up to heeeeeeere"

(The spotlight goes out on Kristi. Another one focuses in on a white curtain where we can see a small figure standing behind it in shadow. There's an organ playing one note)

Voice (speaking): "Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word "life" it means forever and that's a might long time but I'm here to tell you there's something else......the afterworld.

A world of neverending happiness. You can always see the sun, day or night. So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one---Dr. Everything Will Be Alright. Instead of asking him how much of your time is left, ask him how much of your mind, baby. 'Cuz in this life, things are much harder in the afterworld. In this life, you're on your own".

(The shadow behind the curtain starts playing a guitar)

Voice: "And if the elevator tries to bring you down....go craaaaazy. Punch a higher floor...wooooo"!

(The music really kicks in as the curtain drops to the ground. It's Emily...playing a guitar...dressed up like Prince circa 1984)

Emily (singing): "If you don't like/the world you're livin' in/take a look around/at least you got friends/I called my old lady/for a friendly word/picked up the phone/dropped it on the floor/(heavy breathing) is all I heard/are we gonna let the elevator bring us down/oh no/let's go/let's go crazy/let's get nuts/let's look for the purple banana/'till they put us in the truck...LET'S GO!

(The spotlight goes out on Emily and focuses in on a hole in the floor)

Voice (singing): "At first I was afraid/I was petrified/kept thinking I could never live without you by my side"

(Jacque rises from the floor...dressed in her finest disco-era sequined polyseter gown...singing into a Coke bottle)

Jacque (singing): "But then I spent so many nights/thinking how you did me wrong/and I grew strong/and I learned how to get along/and so you're back/from outer space/I just walked in to find you here/with that sad look upon your face/I should have changed that stupid lock/I should have made you leave your key/if I had known for just one second/you'd be back to bother me

(Kristi and Emily join Jacque...also singing into Coke bottles)

Jacque, Emily and Kristi together: "Go on now/go walk out the door/just turn around now/'cause you're not welcome anymore/weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye/did you think I'd crumble/did you think I'd lay down and die/

Oh no/not I/I will survive/oh as long as I know how to love/I know I will stay alive/I've got all my life to live/I've got all my love to give/and I'll survive/I will survive

(The three of them continue on singing the song while balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. Most everybody is up dancing around. Except for poor Tom W...who's limping his way towards the door)

THANKS EVERYONE!!!!!!

Here's a list of everyone who contributed positively to this season:

Tacoma area
Tom W
Karin
Rick
Sharon
John

Seattle
Kristi
Jacque
Jeff
Jennifer
Elspith
Bill
"Old Man" Tom
Andrea
Megan
Jenna

Everett
Elizabeth
Jerry
Don
Kenny

Portland
Kurt
Kara
Jerry
Earlene
Doug
Steve
Tracy
Dan
Jon

Tri-Cities
Samantha

St. Louis
Lindsay
Joe
Ryan

Dallas
Pam
Lindsay

Virginia
Deborah

Denver
Bridget

Red Deer
Steve
Matt



And yes............

even Emily